I enjoy my mystic life. Just like being born a boy or girl, I am born mystic. My embrace of mysticism is in many ways self-serving. When I choose to ignore who I am my life begins to deconstruct. When I was younger I channeled that energy into rebellion and willfully acted against myself. I felt I could hide, what I have, from view, because the society in which I find myself did not deserve it. I felt it was completely unreasonable to have the sensibilities I do, and be here, in this world. Even though I am striving to be more honest I remain conflicted.
That brings me back to one of my themes, The Habits of Mind. The habits of my person, that are behavior, are rooted in decisions I made long ago. They form a structure, framework, archetype on which my person is fastened. The mind takes direction, the choices we make, decision, from our being, and structures a habit of permanence. Habits simply repeat themselves and it is easy to ignore our creative authority. The habits of personality are subtle and they create a representation that is how we are. If I choose to amend these habits so that, how I am, presents, who I am, it is a subtle endeavor. It seems easier to allow the habits of mind to continue to replicate what has already been established, after all that is what they do.
I am enthusiastic to present who I am and at the same time, apprehensive. I really enjoy expressing myself openly and honestly. It feels great. My apprehension remains a mystery. I am sure I put good work into establishing it but I would just as soon it was not there. Good habits bad habits, they are all strong and my determination to hide is tenacious. I have thought to discover the choices I have made, that are this apprehension, and undo them. It may not be necessary. Perhaps creating a new habit will dissolve the old. I have a long-standing habit of dismantling old habits and that may not be necessary. It may well be that I simply create a new habit, that dissolves the old and I am not really dismantling anything.
I do expect to resolve this issue. It feels as if that is just part of the dance and bringing this redress into the open has some underling value.
The Mystic Tourist