One thing that has vexed me for some time is the subtle exchange between myself and acquaintance. In exposing myself I draw attention to myself and I am sensitive to the images and sensations generated by the exchange. I think it is common to wall ourselves against this level of sensitivity and I have yet to determine how to walk with it. People project images and sensations when they consider other persons. I see and feel this stuff and it triggers a reaction that is tense. Tension, of course is a holding on, rather than a letting go. That does not work but I have yet to isolate the trigger and disable it. I want the participation of this subtle community because it is where I work.
It is easy to notice this activity as it happens to all of us. We have all had the experience where we glance over our shoulder to see, who is staring at us, only to see who it is. This level of communication takes place constantly and for the most part we choose to ignore it.
By and large I have managed the tension associated with my sensitivity by limiting my exposure. In this way I have a small community that forges an understanding that becomes static. It is quite manageable. At this time I find that I need to be more open in order to grow and so it is a new and larger dynamic.
When I was young I was quite rude to my body and harmed my back. My body remembers and those memories have become an asset. If I do not successfully manage my stress it finds my back. I am always in pain. My back always hurts. So what, it is easy to deal with. Unless I do not manage the stress. So I do. My back has been a great teacher. I am not allowed to let my stress build. The punishment for that can be quite severe.
It is trying to teach me now how to manage the images and thought projections associated with my increasing exposure. It has little to do with the community I am inviting. It is about my own sensitivity to exposure.
The Mystic Tourist