The Rule of Resentment

When I was a child I was reluctant to conform and to the extent I did conform I did so reluctantly. This reluctance produced a default for dealing with difficulty. My personal tendencies; attitude, demeanor, temperament, the inclination to react that comes naturally to me, were fixed in place by a very young child. As an adult these childish sensibilities still produce a framework on which I present myself. They produce a tendency to react, to do things a certain way because that was the behavior I settled on as an upset and resentful child. Beneath this resentment is a sense of injury, a choice to interpret my experience as undesirable. Of course these were not the only tendencies and behaviors I developed as a child but they are the ones that as an adult I should be careful of. It is easy to let them dictate choice and draw me away from what serves me best. When times are difficult, this reaction to difficulty, set in place as a child, are as a poor guide to choice and behavior. When having a difficult time and applying this default, a structure is put in place that remains intact, when the difficulty has past. There is no way to erase what has been done, to undo it. Instead I can change it by using it to create, from what I have done, from what is, a place that seems better or best. It is real work, and because the subject matter is difficulty, it is difficult.

As a young child my sense of awareness included companions others could not see. I do not remember them but have been told stories that remind me of a shared frustration. These were not pretend beings, they made themselves known. The adults in my life became frustrated by my ‘imaginary’ acquaintances and I in turn was frustrated by their claim not to see what was right in front of them. I buried the memories with pain and disappointment. Among other things I was resentful. While I have no tangible recollection of my childhood friends the memory remains somewhere and a I have residual sense of it.

Perhaps someday I will recollect my childhood companions. I almost can. As an adult I have met any number of Angels, Ascendant Beings, Deva, People transitioning between lives, Satan’s, Devils and Demons. It is also common to encounter spirit representations of people I know who are family, friends, or adversaries. In the last few years I am most likely only to encounter these temporal spirit forms. The spirit forms of people alive today as human acquaintance. I see the others but only occasionally. When my youngest was five and his older sister eight my ex walked out and abandoned us. She remained involved but her entire focus was to harm me and our children. She worked hard to teach the children to hate the people dearest to them who were my side of the family, as well as myself, and she actively tried to ruin me financially. I mention this as a matter of fact, not as a slight. Emotionally, psychologically, she is not well. She makes poor choice and I think that is the cause of it. (I am not a psychologist or otherwise professionally credentialed and my opinion is just that. My opinion). This situation lasted for many years and I built difficult structures. These structures are built with the habits of thought. Countless subtleties where I hide myself from ‘good spirit’ companions.

To create the place where these good spirits are comfortable, willing to show themselves, is no different from building the difficult structures that keep them away. It is a more deliberate process, to build away from the structure of difficulty. It is done with the countless subtleties of the habit of thought. Once done it is durable.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2012

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