Being human, choice is power. As I choose I am. Should I continue on the path of complacency, choosing conjecture and philosophical musings, endlessly avoiding exposure, or might I actually be the proof? Make the choice. I have always felt that this discretion, this awareness of choice, owns me. It has been an uncomfortable relationship. I enjoy my perspective, what I see, but to fully appreciate it I have to go there. To bring the human community to the world I see. Even as I write my ambivalence boils. It is my lack of decision that creates the friction that is my ambivalence and it boils away. I know the choice. I have danced with it for decades. Why not just do it and get it over with? I know this, I do not want the exposure. I am afraid of what people will do. The only refuge being offered is this choice. It seems that at some point putting it off will cost me much more that just doing it. Have I reached that point? Will I go beyond it and pay the price?
I aspire to the divine life. I am no saint but I can see the path of divine living. What I do not see is any support for taking the walk, yet it is the only drive that I have in me. Everything in my life, every joy, every sorrow, orbit this choice. I have a litany of complaint and protest that screams at me and I postpone the choice. It is the way my life has long been. The only thing that prevents divine living, in my life, is my own complaint and protest. I am no different from anyone else. When I look, that is what I see and it is also one of my complaints. Let someone else do it. Just writing, “Let someone else do it”, I feel my tension build and restrain me. I am a very tense person. I have to be as this choice is all that drives me. It takes a lot of tension to restrain me.
What is holding you back?
Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2012