For as long as I have pursued mysticism I have known I would make my work, and its result, public. It was in 1981 that I put down the fight and accepted what seems the only life-choice being presented to me, mysticism. I married in 1985. I felt obligated. I had been with Lynn for eleven years and for seven of those I was at my absolute worst behavior. I felt I owed her something, and, although I tried, I could not dissuade her from marriage. It was rough right from the start. My honeymoon was the worst experience of my life and by the third week of marriage I was being threatened with divorce a few times a day. I pressed on, after all I made a committment. I figured she would not be able to sustain this dysfunction over time as it alone would ruin the marriage and I had the skills as well as the committment to help her repair her life. By the early 1990’s I had invested everything I had in the marriage. I had two young children in the house and damage control had become my full-time occupation. I was unable to work enough to thrive because my absence from the home was an excuse for Lynn to rage and threaten myself and the family. We could have easily been doing quite well, building a comfortable future, but she would not allow it. I realized that I had nothing left to invest in the marriage, I had put it all in and fulfilled my commitment. I told Lynn. I told her we should go ahead with the divorce she talked about everyday or fix the finances. Our marriage could not survive the financial state it was already in and I would not consider staying on without professional counseling. She never talked of divorce again. Counseling was a waste of time. In the end she doubled down on her determination to ruin my life. She took up with another man and walked out on the family. At her direction my already impossible financial condition went off the cliff. I hung in there. Life eventually presented an opportunity to remove the children, and myself, from the house we were in and file for divorce. That was January of 1999.
Looking back I do not know what I might have done differently. I am who I am. If I remove the twelve years of rage, from 1969 to 1981, I would have had a completely different life. In the last seven years of my rage, Lynn, was by my side. This is where my sense of obligation to her came from. I was free of the rage for four years by the time I married. Although I have finally restored my business my finances are still precarious. My day-to-day cash flow is acceptable but the tax disaster that resulted from this train wreck remains unresolved. As for my mystic life, I am beginning to see the light of day and expect to fully recover. I remain convinced that the pursuit of mysticism is the only thing I need to do to succeed. It works, I have restored myself twice with it. There is no other motivation in my life. Not that other things are unimportant, relationships and the like. I only know how to fulfill them through my life of mysticism. All matters are given their appointment and importance or there is no path forward. Such is this mystic’s life. As for Lynn, I wish her well. I harbor no ill will. I do not hold her responsible for what I did to myself. Jon and Kait, my children, hey they are great!
This post is about the expectation that I need to make who I am public. My mystic reality. It has always been clear to me that I can not avoid that. It does make me very uncomfortable but there is no value in something that remains secret. Hidden from view. The discomfort will pass.
I created this blog thinking it would help me piece myself, my mystic, back together and it has. I also knew that it would expose me, make my private life known and that there is a completion that can only be found in that exposure. I have been blogging away, expecting a personal acquaintance to find the blog, share it, and then, by default… exposed! Now that that has happened I find it is still up to me to present myself and the idea still ties my back in a knot. Ouch. I will keep doing it as I see no other way forward and it is what I want to do. Please stop by from time to time and read the blog. It has been well received and I enjoy the company.
Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2012