Disposition is a stubborn collector, often feeling justified and very much holding on to the past. Its true service is to let go and when it does not it instead becomes reservoir for our pain. Pain of course always prefers a mask and we pretend to disguise it in many colorful ways. It is always something unpleasant, hate, rage, depression, it is a long list but these examples give us a sense of the burden we often assign to disposition. Generally it carries goodness along with the rest but it is really intended to let go. Today I am still looking to evict a passenger my disposition collected while I was in preschool. In my last post, Metaphysics And The Distillation of How, I wrote of fixing the pain and frustration, of rejection, to my disposition. As a preschooler the adults in my life had tired of what they considered my imaginary friends. I believe they were actual people. Spiritual beings. I was persuaded not to talk of them again and I fixed this choice with unpleasant components in my disposition. In considering this difficulty, from the past, I had imagined that I could visualize the movement of Solomon’s Key and in so doing rid myself of this passenger. Not quite. Today I will consider what more there is to do.
The alternative. What else might my four-year old self have done to address the concerns of my elders and yet honor my spiritual experience? This is what I am to do today to mend my child and the man he grew into.
In my most recent posts I have been revealing some of the secrets the Key of Solomon, its basic structure. The lines of Fate and Abundance generate a plane, it is Reputation. Reputation is a horizontal plane and it divides the sphere that surrounds foundation into two halves, top and bottom. This passenger, from my childhood is stuck in the top half of the sphere. Perhaps some other time it would be stuck elsewhere but this is where I see it now. In considering how to unravel this old choice I sink into a bit of an emotional storm. Grief, rage, animosity, the clench and the grit that hold on to, that own, my choice. This morning is day three of working on this. I have just begun my day and my reluctance to do this is visceral. If I put it off it will only fester and I will be back to deal with it later. Finally an epiphany. It is stuck in my flesh, clinging to past injuries and broadcasting itself into the sphere I have been discussing. The injury it favors is the physical tension that stems from compacting my seventh thoracic vertebra in 1974. This injury, along with its chronic discomforts, have collected in the pool of reputation. The injury of my poor preschool choice is somehow the same as the choice that lead to compacting my vertebra. The young man I was when that vertebra got squished was not one for letting go of anything. All clenched fist and rage. I will drain all this from Reputation, the plane that is Reputation, with an affirmation.
It is morning of day four as I work to finish this and I feel much as I did yesterday. Reluctant. My passenger is still with me and generating the emotional disposition that makes me feel like doing anything else. Anything but dealing with this. If I do not do it I will continue to carry that stuff with me ignoring it into the background. Having worked its way up from there the time to do something about it is now. I had hoped that through the day yesterday I would recognize a direction for the affirmation I need but I still am without a sense where to go to deal with this ugliness in my Disposition. While I am at it the ugliness is busy working to persuade me to leave it alone. Let us see If I can come up with this affirmation this morning.
I remember my childhood companions and the joy we shared. Being joyful is how I will remember and share my experience of them.
I have long ached to restore the joy of my childhood. I was one happy little kid but I chose to walk away from it. Perhaps this affirmation will help. As I repeat it the grip of my passenger slips and he changes. I suspect over the next few days the affirmation will mature, change a little, although this one does seem quite clear, they often need to be tweaked. It probably needs company and I expect to generate two more in the next few days. That always seems to be the way.
Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2012