Allow the value of living for liberation and self realization through secular mysticism to establish the contentment my life has long desired. End the conflict enjoyed and celebrated throughout my life and begin my true purpose. Starting with self-degradation; end it. Admit that I enjoy being mystic and end my lifelong campaign of outrage at being mystically inclined.
Well that would be a fresh start.
This does seem the crux of my conundrum and certainly the task I have toiled at for many years. Even as I struggle to end my sense of outrage it remains a pivotal structure in my life. Why? This is a riddle I have worked on since 1981. In that year I had finally had my fill of unchecked rage against myself. Against being mystic. It was a poor investment that increasingly looked like it would not result in the consequence I had in mind. The intent of my rage was to cause the end of my life, by attrition, or force an intervention from God. My thinking was that I did not chose or want to be mystic and so the rage would somehow amend that. I expected the reckless nature of my life would, through attrition, cost me my life or God would decide it was time to intervene. Foolish? Well rage does not bring out the best in a person. I do not know why the rage is still there. Perhaps the effort, twelve years of rage, has given me this gift. It is not very nicely wrapped but the binding seems quite secure. It is likely that, held captive by my decision as a young man to rage, is a key. A linchpin keeping this package of rage intact and my effort here, as the Mystic Tourist, has allowed me to return to this earlier time and change the past. I would so love to get this done. I have worked at for nearly 32 years. Perhaps the 33rd year has some numerological charm.
I do tend to be upset with myself over something pretty much all the time. Not that I think I should be or that I think I have a reason to be. It is a product of the disrepair my life fell into at the end of my marriage. A condition that has been steadily improving for a good time now as I root out the recesses of my life where unhealthy habit is able to take hold. It all has purpose and as long as I follow my discomforts to a source, it really does not bother me. There is great satisfaction in discovering how and where stuff like this can get stuck in a person’s life and then rooting it out. Each success is very gratifying and my quality of life appreciates markedly. I am happy with my life. The upset is just a tool for spiritual growth. I did lose it, this sense of being upset with myself, for a number of years. That was a time when I could not do the work that is getting done now. I do think it unlikely that I would know the progressive success that has been my life today if it were not for the calm and satisfaction I knew in those years. Those years of spiritual calm and satisfaction were not free. I worked very hard to get there and it was extraordinary. Having known such satisfaction I was surprised at how far I could fall, that there was still so much work left for me to do. How can I complain if my life needs work and I am given the opportunity and wherewithal to do it? In this post I am sharing the way I find the work my life expects me to do. It is not a complaint but an observation. It is work that produces results and I am glad to do it. Today as I look at my life I know who created the mess I have been cleaning up, I did it all by myself. One of these days I will have cleaned it all up, the rage will once again be gone. I will get up one morning and have finished this work having stood up the life I expected, something satisfying and fulfilling like the work I am doing to get there.
Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2012