The past, the future and now. As a boy, many years ago, I withdrew and gave a sense of sadness bearing in my life. Today I have no use for this and my choice, if I had it to do over, would be a different choice altogether. In the years that followed withdrawal I built the social identity, or person, supported by this bearing. Now as I work to be comfortable and more engaged the socially withdrawn person I became is looming large. This awkwardness is internal and it presses me back in time to reconsider how I chose to be. It is a matter of perception. I can view this same past differently and it actually is different. If only it did not feel so much like work, but it is work, as the person I created is threatened by change.
At an earlier time in my life I did not have to go so far into my past to correct the mess I had made. As a young man I was very determined to ruin my life and I did, three times. While I sat and considered my ruined life for the third time, I changed my mind and changed my life. It was powerful. It was a spiritual experience that was profound in every way. It was also very personal, a private joy. I kept that appointment and it served me well but its time is past. Now I am thrown back in time to this much earlier crisis, a time when I chose to withdraw, to be sad. I must bring now to bear on that time and in so doing change the past. It is not much fun, in fact it is pretty tough, the sadness, the anger, the pain, all the nasty stuff around my choice to withdraw, that is what is on my plate. Somehow I am expected to create the person I might have been, to present a fate today, that would be different had I chose it when I was ten. I have done this kind of work before and the effort was well worth it, but none the less, it is hard.
When I decided, at age twenty-nine, to no longer work to ruin my life it was a richly rewarding experience but it was also very personal. Private. Anyone who knew me at this time, of course, did notice the change. It was nothing short of extraordinary and none could have expected it. At that time there was no reason to retreat so deep into my life, to this time of withdrawal, when I was ten. My spiritual wellness today depends on making my private spiritual life publicly known and that brings this issue of withdrawal forward. I can only guess as to what will happen when I am comfortable with my internal social identity and this sense of withdrawal has lost its bearing. A fate corrected, I expect it to be very powerful.
I have decided to be more reliant on Angels and Ascendant Beings toward this end. They have the power to change the subtle structure, the nature, of acquaintance. There is an element of trust that is evident in reliance on Angels and Ascendant Beings. I think that may be the missing ingredient in the change I am working on, trust.
Michael, The Mystic Tourist, ©2012