Well that took a while, since my last post seventeen days have passed. I have been busy, sifting through my life and writing my way out of it. Nothing fit for blog posting. I have been having an issue with self-hate. That has been going on for some time and it finally came to a climax. I have been working to sort it out for a few years and the more work I did the louder this idea of self-hate became. Did not make sense to me but it kept coming up until it was all that was up. That is not what I expected, I expected it to diminish as I worked and yet it became the constant noise in my head.
Having been through difficulty I have a good idea what triggered the hate, but what I could not see, was where it lived in my life. You see the trigger is one thing but that can not give rise to what is not there. Once triggered, hate, will fester, grow and pollute. While there are many ways to repair something like this we are each given the way best suited to serve who we are. What we have to do. For me I had to return to the events in my life where I did hate myself, what had happened to me, and find the choices that were this hate. I had no idea where to look for it or that this was what I had to do. As time passed, naturally, it became clear. This stuff lived in my past and did not come from what triggered it. Once triggered it was able to grow and become established.
Most of this nastiness was from my early childhood, first, second, third and fourth grade. It was a tough time in my life. I even considered and made a feeble attempt at suicide, in second grade. I was Catholic, I did not figure I would die, I figured I would go to heaven and from there look down and see if my loved ones had any care for me. It did not seem to me that they did and I wanted some answers. Going back in time, to events that shaped my life, due to their unpleasantness, was pretty darn unpleasant. Up close and personal with the worst moments my life has to offer, wallowing around in the muck to find some choice I never knew I made. If it is not something you have to do, I would not recommend it, but if it is what must be done, by all means get it over with. That is what I did over the holidays, admittedly I had been working on the project for some time but this is when the heavy lifting came up. I thought I had already gotten most of it done and I guess I had. Perhaps now I have completed that project but I have been fooled before.
I do feel that I have a clean slate. As if all the scribbles and notes on life’s chalkboard have riddled an answer and now the board is wiped clean again. That was a big piece of work. I wonder if finally I have found all the pieces and fit them back together the way they were meant to be.
Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013
Happy New Year!