This morning I will explore what looks to be denial. Once again it is a physical sensation like a pie wedge I can feel. Like there is something taking up space in my body and aura. I recently wrote about temporal spirits and this physical sensation is like a soft spot where intrusive temporal spirits can get up close and personal. In, Death of a Seminarian, my last post, I wrote of this sensation as well. In looking to understand it I saw that the discomfort I knew was resentment and now it seems that below that is denial. Denial of what?
Often when looking to understand something like this I find it is tied to an event or a time in my life. A time in the past. When I consider how this denial is anchored I am reminded of a motorcycle accident, somewhere around 1974. It was a bad accident and it resulted in a broken neck, soft tissue damage. As I understand it I tore a massive amount of soft tissue, muscle, away from the right side of my cervical spine. Enough that it was considered to be broken. Naturally, I did nothing about it. It did bother me quite a bit. A short while after this wreck I began my career as a hot roofer. You can find harder work but you really have to look for it and for a person as angry as I was, hard work is great. At the end of the day I would measure the strength of my drink by the strength of my pain. I carried my right shoulder several inches lower than my left. I could not stand up straight and this condition combined with heavy drinking eventually was not sustainable. But that is another story. So what does denial have to do with this?
Just thinking about this, wondering what this denial thing is all about, I can feel the angry man I once was beginning to stir, like a distant echo. That past life is at ease in this place that is as a void in my physical person and aura. Denial, I am in denial of control. Control of my outcomes. In this accident, the outcome was in my control. It was serious enough that my death was as likely as not and yet I stood up and walked away. The part of me that controlled that outcome would have me invite it, to be in charge, to assume control. To end injurious possibility simply by direction. It would seem a piece of me was left behind, buried at the point of impact that was this accident. Interesting.
Years ago, while working through psychotherapy, I dealt with this issue of leaving a part of myself buried there. It was a very intense visual tactile experience, as was much of my psychotherapy experience. My person was not stopped at the point of impact but rather the momentum carried me into the bowls of the earth. A part of me was left behind and I had to retrieve it. That was a powerful experience. So why am I looking at this again? The time has come to admit I was actively trying to end my life. Well, if I admit that, I will have to surrender my long-held position that I was simply tempting God to intervene.
It seems I just need to be honest with myself and admit that the extreme recklessness that was my life, held no innocence. I did not want to be the person I thought I was, so much so that I worked to create enough attrition to avoid it. I do not get a pass on this one. Even if I use clever rationalizations.
So now I have found a large measure of denial, honesty will mend that and perhaps I will knit together a more complete person. The person I worked very hard for many years, not to be.
Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013