Inventory

Today as I take inventory, consider the effort I invest in my wellness and my condition of being, I accept that I have succeeded. I have had a very rich and satisfying spiritual experience. That time of my life was a private time that I shared only with close acquaintances. Now I have tackled a boogeyman, I have shared my spiritual aspirations. Exposed myself to whomever might have an interest. Where is the bridge that binds these two times of my life together as one experience here and now?

When I decided to create this blog I did have a plan. I thought if I conquered my refusal to be spiritually open, that would restore my health. That my spiritual life would once again thrive. I thought that was the bridge I needed to build, or discover. What more do I have to do? Where are my spiritual companions? What veil separates me from the spiritual richness that was once familiar?

This lost familiarity is where it can be realized by admitting my dislike of self. I dislike public recognition of my struggle. I do not think I should have to struggle. Truth is this struggle will continue and that is what upsets me.

This notion of dislike and struggle is an observation revealed by divination. It is true I continue to beat myself up and just why continues to elude me. The work I do to correct this condition is very informative. I consider its value to be indispensable and powerful, however, the sense of repair is short-lived and I find myself wrestling with the same discomforts repetitively. I have many tools to riddle such problems. I am well-practiced with metaphysics and I will guess that perhaps what seems a struggle to me needs to have a new consideration. I can not dislike what I have to do and be happy, glad. Am I being charged to find the joy and happiness I knew privately and make that public?

Having a rich spiritual life privately is not the same as doing it publicly and there are things about it that I have yet to learn. It is not the same and I suspect that the results are different. In matters of spirituality and metaphysics, my path and the problem I am trying to solve now, I will consider the Kundalini.

I am confidant that I have opened the channel. I do not consider the flow to be very strong. Light Gate is cloudy and that suggests an issue with its corresponding chakra Acquaintance, Acquaintance being the second chakra and Light Gate being the sixth chakra. The whole idea of the Kundalini is to bridge the three lower chakras to the three higher chakras by way of the fourth chakra, the bridge chakra, Compassion. Compassion first comforts the three lower chakras and relaxed they can seep through compassion and its attributes to the fifth chakra Truth and Justice or Sea of Justice / Seat of Truth. A person who endeavors to rest on this seat then recognizes a truer understanding of the corresponding chakra, the third chakra, Ego. Compassion is the lubricant that allows this to happen. Should Ego be accepted on truer terms then that produces a measure of enlightenment and Light Gate is made available. Light Gate corresponds to Acquaintance, the second chakra and of course the lubricant that binds these two, is again, Compassion. Once accepting Acquaintance and Ego on the terms dictated by Compassion, Truth/Justice and Light/Awareness, the seventh chakra, Spirit Gate is available. Spirit Gate corresponds to the first chakra Place/Flesh. Conception and Birth. This channel, The Kundalini, is the cycle complete. When we open it, rid it of clutter, soul meets form and mystery is no more. The simplicity between clutter, or not, is so delicate that we only recognize the difference after we succeed.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013

Nine Lives For The Cat / How Many For You

This morning I will explore what looks to be denial. Once again it is a physical sensation like a pie wedge I can feel. Like there is something taking up space in my body and aura. I recently wrote about temporal spirits and this physical sensation is like a soft spot where intrusive temporal spirits can get up close and personal. In, Death of a Seminarian, my last post, I wrote of this sensation as well. In looking to understand it I saw that the discomfort I knew was resentment and now it seems that below that is denial. Denial of what?

Often when looking to understand something like this I find it is tied to an event or a time in my life. A time in the past. When I consider how this denial is anchored I am reminded of a motorcycle accident, somewhere around 1974. It was a bad accident and it resulted in a broken neck, soft tissue damage. As I understand it I tore a massive amount of soft tissue, muscle, away from the right side of my cervical spine. Enough that it was considered to be broken. Naturally, I did nothing about it. It did bother me quite a bit. A short while after this wreck I began my career as a hot roofer. You can find harder work but you really have to look for it and for a person as angry as I was, hard work is great. At the end of the day I would measure the strength of my drink by the strength of my pain. I carried my right shoulder several inches lower than my left. I could not stand up straight and this condition combined with heavy drinking eventually was not sustainable. But that is another story. So what does denial have to do with this?

Just thinking about this, wondering what this denial thing is all about, I can feel the angry man I once was beginning to stir, like a distant echo. That past life is at ease in this place that is as a void in my physical person and aura. Denial, I am in denial of control. Control of my outcomes. In this accident, the outcome was in my control. It was serious enough that my death was as likely as not and yet I stood up and walked away. The part of me that controlled that outcome would have me invite it, to be in charge, to assume control. To end injurious possibility simply by direction. It would seem a piece of me was left behind, buried at the point of impact that was this accident. Interesting.

Years ago, while working through psychotherapy, I dealt with this issue of leaving a part of myself buried there. It was a very intense visual tactile experience, as was much of my psychotherapy experience. My person was not stopped at the point of impact but rather the momentum carried me into the bowls of the earth. A part of me was left behind and I had to retrieve it. That was a powerful experience. So why am I looking at this again? The time has come to admit I was actively trying to end my life. Well, if I admit that, I will have to surrender my long-held position that I was simply tempting God to intervene.

It seems I just need to be honest with myself and admit that the extreme recklessness that was my life, held no innocence. I did not want to be the person I thought I was, so much so that I worked to create enough attrition to avoid it. I do not get a pass on this one. Even if I use clever rationalizations.

So now I have found a large measure of denial, honesty will mend that and perhaps I will knit together a more complete person. The person I worked very hard for many years, not to be.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013

Death of a Seminarian

I continue to maintain resentment that spiritual wisdom is my only interest. I first chose resentment by virtue my eighth grade epiphany that women are considered less than men. I had long thought that I would graduate eighth grade, go on to seminary and eventually be ordained a Catholic priest. By the time I reached eighth grade I realized that the church was teaching that if a man took a wife, that condition would so defame him so as to make the man unfit as a priest. Was this a rule I was taught? No, but it implication is unmistakable. The silly rules I knew of and that were imposed on women, by the church, took on a new meaning and a new urgency to make sense of it all troubled me.

There were rules designed for women only. Women could not be priests. They had to cover their head in church, men could not. What is that supposed to mean? At the time the church taught that it was a sin for women to wear pants. It was also a sin for a woman to use a tampon. I think the list was a bit longer, but being a man I am ignorant, these rules did not apply to me. It was not hard to notice that women did not make these rules, men did. I could not abide by this shaming of women. It made no sense to me and I began to question my expectation to become a Catholic priest. I never went to seminary and I resented the lies I had been told by the church. If I could not trust the church, how do I reconcile my life with God? This was when I first realized that I would have to find my own way. That men did not speak for God.

I would like to trust the church. I could have made a career out of that. How about the sense of community, of belonging? None of that for me. If you are a part of a church you are part of a network that enriches life in many ways. The God Club supplies support in countless ways. It can be a powerful tool for wealth. People in turn claim that their prosperity, and good fortune, is due to their faith in God. Without the church, a like-minded support group, I think things might be a little different. There is a vested interest in seeing the members of your church succeed. The success can be pointed to and the claim made that it is due to God. What about the network of support, could that have anything to do with it? You need to raise funds for a charitable enterprise and you turn to your church. It is not hard to see that it is the network of like-minded people gathered together for a common purpose that deserves the credit given to God. Churches do wonderful things and it is good to have support but the notion that God favors one above the other is insulting. Not to God of course. What insult could God possibly suffer? It is an insult to ourselves.

Reading that last paragraph it is easy to see that the vein of resentment, my resentment, runs deep. Before sitting to write this post I had long believed resentment of my spiritual drive was rooted in my high school years. I had always thought of this eighth grade epiphany as a turning point but never as the onset of my spiritual resentment. I have learned a great deal by finding my own path. My determination that no man, no book, reveals God has left me to trust God. I believe that wherever I am God makes God available. Providence. I do not seek the false shelter of religion to shepherd God.

I like to think that my pursuit of God, on Gods terms, reveals a secret that is itself success. Well that is a nice thought, maybe it does. And there is that resentment jumping out like the boogeyman. I am writing about this to unravel the physical sensation that is caused by this resentment. I can feel it and it is uncomfortable. In looking to understand what it is, this is what I find. The words I am writing.

One of the things I have long associated my spiritual resentment to is the belief that I would have to make public my spiritual curiosity and its product. That was a realization I became aware of in high school. Now that I am actively doing that it has forced me to deal with the resentment and so this post. I need to find a way not to feel this way about it, to grow past it. My curiosity is a good thing as is whatever it reveals.

Thanks for reading.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013

Temporal Spirits

Considering that we are spiritual, as I do, it is wise to accept that some spirits are temporal. Just as are we. We do exist. We are aware. I think existence and awareness are independent of my temporal expression. That there is an eternal or everlasting quality that is independent of my biologically based expression, except that, I exist, I am aware. We are animated, or another way to say that is that we have spirit. It is spirit that animates us. Much of our spiritual experience, as temporal beings, is also temporary. It is this temporal spiritual interaction that we are most accustomed to as spiritual beings. We interact with each other spiritually. It is not something we pay a lot of attention to but we are constantly interacting in a spiritual realm. We can see this represented in our daily lives. The example that always comes first to my mind is this; I think we all turn to see the person we are sure is looking at us and see them doing just that. What communication is at play?

I see these spiritual expressions, or at least I believe I do. Perhaps I have simply structured a framework to explain the experience that I am familiar with but at any rate I have experience that supports my explanation. I am also familiar with spiritual beings that present themselves as being independent of biologic form. I know them as Angels and Ascendant Beings. I am also familiar with Demons, Devils and Satans and have come to believe that these only exist in temporal spiritual realms. We make agreements in our temporary spiritual world with all of these influences. Most of these agreements are accumulative. We do not sit around and fashion the choices we make that form our spirit presence, we just find our self the product of the accumulative subconscious habit of thought. By and large we ignore the spiritual conversation we are always engaged in. It is difficult to have a habit of ignorance without giving way to full-blown denial. There you have it. Nothing could be more obvious than our spiritual experience. Why are we so determined to corrupt our rich and powerful spiritual experience with denial and ignorance? It amazes me. I of course am just writing about the experience that I have and my interpretation of it.

Much of what we experience spiritually is generated by us and expressed into the shared realm of temporal spiritual experience. We each then cope with that. Some of us are better at it than others. Some people are hypersensitive to spiritual expression, auditory, visual, whatever and often this can cause emotional or psychological dysfunction. Most people seem to completely ignore their spiritual experience because they have other more pressing concerns. I sometimes wish I was that person but I am not.

Some days ago I wrote The Psychology of Spirit. I only posted it this morning but I wrote it several days ago. Since then I have been sorting out a spiritual landscape that has a lot of useless temporary spiritual expression. My quest is divine life and that means creating a spiritual place free of useless spiritual expression. That is what lifts the temporal spiritual presence to experience a spiritual realm that is more durable. That is true.

This is not new territory for me but it is different. For years people would approach me, in spirit form, and ask for my help. At the time I was very familiar with Angels, Ascendant Beings and the like because they also made a habit of approaching me. I would do what I could to help. It was really a fun time. Satisfaction. Fulfillment. This work was done privately, discreetly. It is a luxury I am no longer allowed. Those were powerful times and they continue to give me strength as I work to restore my spiritual integrity. If I am to restore my casual acquaintance with Angels and such I have to make my spiritual life public. At least that is the path I am being offered. I have never done that before and it brings stuff into our shared spiritual room that I am not familiar with. I have to puzzle it as I go. It is a lot of work. Who knows if I can do it or if it is worth it? This stuff does not pay the bills, at least not in the short-term and all of my eggs are in this basket. Wish me luck.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013

The Psychology of Spirit

None of us would face difficulty if we did not need the lesson it brings. In considering what people do with their lives it is clear that we each take from our life what we choose. The lesson I learn is determined by what I choose to do with my life. It is the same for each of us. We are each driven by our individual sensibilities, priorities we think we must meet. I do not know that what we choose to do matters so much as how we choose to do it. The way we choose to be determines our sense of satisfaction. People in all walks of life, service, profession, whatever, find that respect and admiration is the prize bestowed more on some than on others. This is due to how they are perceived by their peers but if they carry this sense of worth within themselves it is due to how they see who and how they themselves are. I think most of us want to feel good about our self within our self.

My sensibilities, priorities, are spiritual. I believe that if I succeed spiritually all other concerns are met. That it is the only thing I have to do. Friends, family, prosperity are all satisfied by taking a spiritual path. My path is secular and I have no faith. Religion is of no value to me. I do not believe. I am certain that things are as they are, that I do exist, I am aware and this condition exists independent of me except for the simple fact that I am, I exist. I have no reason to believe in a beginning or an end as it is clear that nothing happens in the past or the future. The only time anything is known to happen is now. There is an absolute quality that allows for everything and I consider whatever that is to be God. My devotion is to God. God being absolute my devotion reaches everything and everyone. Everything I am given to do, every relationship appointed to me is satisfied by devotion to God. To the absolute. Absolutes are also easily identifiable. Anything of a singular nature that can not be exhausted is absolute. Truth, understanding, compassion these only know a single measure and can not be exhausted.

On the narrow path there is a narrow gate. There is but one key, it may have different names but I know it as forgiveness. With forgiveness we discover compassion, understanding and truth.

As I have considered my spiritual psychology, how it is my spiritual life is healthy, or not, I have learned what you are reading here, my blog. My last lesson was a tough one and it took many years to learn. Thirteen, oddly, the number of completion. It was proceeded by four or five years of great difficulty that then became my life. Of course this sense of difficulty was as much to do with perception as it was the challenging circumstance I faced. I had unwittingly made myself a victim. Deciding that the actions of another were harmful to my character. This was an indirect choice, accumulative in nature, subconscious.  It seeded my life, my past, with all sorts of nasty stuff to support it. That in turn became my spiritual path. To return to the past and fix it. This was stuff I had already spent years of my life ridding myself of, and here it was, restored. It was interesting to see that the same weeds grow back. Not necessarily in the same place but every bit as prolific.

I am not sure why I treated myself to this experience. I will guess it was necessary, providence. I have learned things that perhaps I might have learned some other way. This is the way I did learn my lesson and it may well be that there is some value that could not be had any other way. If I have learned anything I hope it is how to avoid doing something like this to myself again.

My spiritual health is returning.  One thing I have known for a lifetime that I must do has come to pass. I have made public my spiritual aspirations.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013