A Chip on My Shoulder

Having made the decision to forgo daily alcohol consumption, I remain physically tense and at ill ease in my body and person. I feel better but irritability and tension remain, continuing to displace my self. This implies that there is yet more to do, that I continue to express behavior that is contrary to my self, behavior that displaces my self. I expect it may be behavior that is absent, things I have not done, or a structure of person produced of habit. I consider this and turn my attention to my external companion, my self, a transparent presence beside me that represents my self, calm begins to displace tension. As I consider this encounter, with my self, it seems the concern displacing  my self, from my person, is clutter. A dearth of activity left undone.

I am familiar with a number of healing arts and am trained as an Acupressurist. Much of the healing work, I have done, has been done discreetly, in the quite of physical solitude. I have tried to support myself, as a healer, but have never found a successful business model. When I consider how to bring my person, self, and form, to the same bearing, this is what comes up, healing work. Where to start?

When we invest our time and energy, in our day-to-day activities, and considerations – thought, habits, actions – we create the past as well as a future. Both of these conditions, past and the future, can be modified. We can consider our past, its shortcomings, and change how it is considered. Identify circumstance, persons, places, things, that represent injury, or some regret, and change how we carry it. Identify attitude/emotion and forgive our self, others and God, while asking for forgiveness in return. Letting it all go.

As we build a past it creates a future, much like planning a trip. If we make the effort and correct our past, the future generated from past considerations continues to pull us along its course. It has its own gravity. Just as we can correct, heal our past, the future behaves the same way. We can look to the future and dismantle its gravity. This is the area of my life I will look to as I consider how to bring healing to where I am now. The future.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013

The Displacement of Self

Beside me, I recognize my self, a transparent figure pressing against my physical person. The sensation of my self, standing beside me, pressed against me, triggers a sense of tense irritability in my physical person. When I consider this as my self and ask why my self is standing beside me, against me but not within me, calm begins to permeate my physical person. It seems that the content of my person has displaced my self and when I engage with this external representation of self, as if it were myself, calm displaces irritability. What am I doing other than being myself? One thing I recently discovered, when I asked this question, of my self, is that my self would prefer that I drink less alcohol. This presents the question of whether to quit entirely or to moderate.

I have an extreme personality. I tend to be extreme in my behaviors. Perhaps moderation is the lesson the self has in mind for me. Quitting booze altogether would be very easy for me because it is an extreme behavior. The question comes down to value. What are the comparative values? Benefits and risks.

When I made the decision to begin drinking again it was to facilitate reconnecting with friends. I had been isolated from my friends for a few years while I managed more pressing concerns. The booze helped me, in my mind, to be more available, approachable to friends. It took me out of my funk and forced me to disengage from my problems. It has since become a way to alleviate chronic back pain and that is problematic. Booze is very effective in diminishing any concern about pain, physical or personal, but it is a poor choice. When pain management is the motive for drinking, excess is a constant problem. At least for me it is. I prefer to be sober than to be drunk, however, I have been known to drink more than I prefer. Is that enough of a reason to give it up altogether or are there underlying issues that exacerbate the tendency to drink excessively that I would be wise to address?

As I consider these questions, I consult my self, thus inviting my self in. No longer standing beside me, my self and I become, myself.  We are one. My person and my self sharing the same center as my temporal body of flesh, blood and bone. My self prefers that I would abstain from drink. My person must make this the way I am if I am to forge an agreement to share the same temple of flesh, blood and bone where person, self and form are in agreement and of the same bearing.

In the past fourteen years I have structured my life around alcohol, drinking daily with occasional retreats to reset my habit. I can take it or leave it, but having said that, I have a high tolerance for the stuff. I can drink a lot. I am not found of being sick or having a headache and I know how to avoid that. Never been cited for D.U.I. It has become a stress management tool. I have to stop processing what is on my mind after a couple of beers and it takes the sting out of my back. It is a commitment to switch off and relax, something I am otherwise not very good at. I tend to drink more than is good for me and that bothers me. I often have poor recollection of the events of the last evening, and frankly, I don’t care for that or the fuzziness in my head that so often greets me in the morning.

What are my other options to deal with personal irritability and physical discomfort other than daily drink and has drink simply become a way to perpetuate a cycle that involves itself? When considering whether or not, at this stage it helps, on balance, I think not.

Micheal, The Mystic Tourist, ©2013

The Discovery of Self

My last contribution to this blog was all the way back in July, a little over two months past. I enjoy writing so that represents a long time. I prefer to write everyday. Since my last work, an exposé of Satan, the five types of Satan of which I have personal experience, I have had sense of completion. Like having closed a chapter. This has left me not quite sure of what is next or how to go about getting that started. I have had a good idea as to where I am, the place mysticism has brought me, but how to present it, to lend it description? That has evaded me and now I have gained permission to find out.

Permission from whom?

The permission I seek is from my self, but he is a stranger. Elusive. I have seen him in the distance but could never quite reach him, until now. While we have heard of each other we are not well acquainted. The self wears no clothes, it is naked and transparent but this is not the person we choose to be. It is the naked transparency of the self that lets us manufacture a person separate from it while maintaining an ignorance of certainty that our actual self is naught. Our self is composed of inexhaustible patience and our person must discover, must know this patience, if it is to know its self.

Our self is both temporal and spiritual and takes ownership of nothing. It is the magician that creates and it knows no past or future. Our person longs for a future that can never arrive and clings to a past that is gone. That is naught. How then to make this one, my self, my counsel and quite the distraction of personhood? This I think is the next project for the Mystic Tourist. To write of this adventure and discover how it is done. Won’t you join me? It is a journey that can not take place without you. That is the point of writing this blog and forcing my ‘self’ into the open. My self is very comfortable with that but my person is not there yet. I do expect writing about it will bring my person into compliance with its self and whatever revelation that might present.

I am not particular about where this leads. It is something I feel I must do, that not doing it is the real difficulty. It is my sense of destiny that motivates me. It is very strong and not to be confused with fate. I have burned through a few fates. They are endless and we can choose any of them. I have but one destiny, that is what I seek. To choose destiny over fate.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013