The Vacancy of Now

The future already exists. It must exist because it consists entirely of the past. Our experience of it is skewed by our life and death. We tend to cling to false importance. We want to secure some lasting value but our animal condition will not last. We seek ownership, of something that will demonstrate our value, and that is a contradiction. Ownership is a lie, nothing can be owned. We confuse ownership with things like responsibility, accountability, honesty, forgiveness, truth, compassion and understanding. Stuff that actually has value. These values make a purchase of themselves and their value is in their generosity. They afford no pride of ownership as they are for the equal benefit of everyone and everything. None of these qualities are the sort of thing a person can take ownership of, they are their own value.

How then to make the future absent the difficulties of the past? Typically people will engage in established norms of education and employment, we will strive to establish and maintain nurturing relationships, friendships. Much of this only severs as a distraction, a mask for our sense of vacancy. I guess everything is like that, and for me, I believe that happiness and contentment can be discovered and their value then produce the trappings of success. Success is measured differently for different people, but happiness and contentment bring success to all circumstance and so if we discover those, before we set out, whatever we do, is success. I think many of us believe we need external trappings to be happy, we set out to secure those and worry about contentment and happiness later. Many of us are just naturally content and happy. For me, I remember a time of great happiness, a time past and so it must also be in my future, because, wait for it… the future is made of the past. I am happy today, especially when I write. The happiness I lost was that of a young boy. It is hard to imagine being that happy, but I was. What displaced it?

As a young man, I made some very poor choices. I expected to end my life by attrition. It was my way of flipping off God and the elements of society that fell short of my expectation. I considered it performance art and expected it to convey some deep meaning, a message of outrage to humanity for its shortcomings, I had an anger I simply could not contain toward God. I did not like being mystic, and, I could not escape it. I abandoned education, failing to graduate even high school. To this day I am unable to motivate myself scholastically. I am still motivated, only by mysticism, devotion to God. In my sense of God, anything that alludes to God is of an absolute nature and so devotion to God encompasses everything, all concerns and relationships find their completion and satisfaction by the absolute context of devotion to God. I do think there is something about mysticism that is of value, that my pursuit of it will bring me the success I need to live comfortably, affording the food and shelter that I desire.

It is strange to be in pursuit of my interests, of the life that motivates me and not be so angry about it. Imagining that could actually build something of value with it. Had I made these investments forty-four years ago, where might I be now? Oh well, I could not do it then, I was just too angry. Why? Did I have to go through all of it, all the trouble I made for myself? Perhaps I did.

Let us hope it is not too late to salvage the worldly success that was the promise of my birth circumstance and that I so forcefully worked to destroy.

Michael, The Mystic Tourist ©2013

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The Vacancy of Now

    • Thanks Cary. I did edit your bible quote out, I hope you don’t mind. I do like your own thoughts on ownership and appreciate your comment. I do not think we can be an affront to God. It is just not possible.It is a posture we can only take against ourself, that does compromise all relationships and most certainly does harm our relationship with God. It in no way offends God. All sins are committed against ourselves, and no one else.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s